Dear Lulu

Today was a long day for the both of us. And a big day too. You see, today you experienced your first instance of disappointment and heart break. I didn’t see it coming. I would have protected you from it if I had known. As the tears gushed down your cheeks I could only watch helplessly from behind the two way mirror. I wanted to go in and scoop you up and let you cry your bitter tears on my shoulder. But I didn’t. We both had to learn this lesson today… you will have disappointment in your life and I can’t always stop it from happening.

I could have stopped it from happening five months ago. I could have dropped $50 on a polyester costume you will wear only once while standing shyly in front of an audience of strangers and not dancing. I can envision it – you would have looked adorable. I would have been a proud momma. But I thought you were too young for a recital. I still do. It would be your first recital and you wouldn’t remember a moment of it. Snapshots aren’t memories, just random moments captured on film. I want you to remember these things.

So I’m sorry baby. I’m sorry you felt left out today while some of the other kids got their costumes. You weren’t the only one left out though. And I’m sorry the teachers chose to make a production of handing out costumes instead of doing it after class when I could have rushed you safely out of the way. I didn’t know they were going to do that.

You won’t remember today, but I will. I will never forget how my heart ached as you flung yourself into my arms and sobbed for the costume you won’t get. All I can do is promise that there will be costumes. When you are older. When you can remember. I won’t forget, baby. I promise.

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