I’m a Bad Mom and a Bad Wife and a Bad Friend and a Bad Employee

At least, that is how I feel lately.  I am seriously struggling with this medication switch.  I have zero patience, everything is personal, and I’m going into bitch mode more and more often.  I can’t even begin to name the number of times I yelled at Lucy yesterday, or let something small blow up into something huge in my head.  Is this what I would be like unmedicated?  I don’t know how people with anxiety and depression coped before medications came about.

I have a follow up this week.  I can get through this.  In the meantime, my husband needs to understand I’m not acting this way because I want to.  And I need to make sure I take a breath (or seven) before responding to my daughter and her four-year-old-ness.  Because she is only four.  She acts like a four year old.  She reacts like a four year old.  She is selfish like a four year old.  She is unconditionally loving and forgiving like a four year old.  She needs a calm, happy and loving momma.

Six months later…

I haven’t written since January.  I haven’t thought about writing since January.  Writing gave me no pleasure for awhile there, but I do miss it.  This past semester was brutal but I think I have recovered.  Hard work and too much stress paid off in nice grades, and for that I am grateful.

Side note:  As I think about how I recovered from last semester, I am also thinking about all the reading I have to do for my summer course tonight!

I feel like I should write volumes and volumes to make up for the six month absence.  So much has happened.  A dear friend told me she was pregnant.  I made a baby quilt.  I threw a baby shower.  Another dear friend gave birth.  I started a new position (in the same office).  I got to spend a little time with my four beautiful nieces.  My daughter is six months older and probably a foot taller.  I’ve completed six more semester hours toward the glorious MA.  I said goodbye to some of my favorite grad school friends.  I watched my baby make her stage debut in her first dance recital.

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Aly’s quilt for Baby June.
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The five most beautiful girls in the world.
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Aunt Caroline loves Baby June.
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Shy?  Nope, not Lulu.

So much good has happened over the last six months.  There have been the bad moments, certainly, but it’s been mostly good.

So at this point, I am working on my summer course, I’m enrolled in a Mindfulness Stress Reduction group, Lulu starts soccer next week, I’m in the process of getting used to a new medicine, I’m trying not to online shop and failing miserably, I’m working on two quilts (so many babies!), I’m trying to decide if another baby is really off the table, I’m trying to eat better (whipped frosting is apparently really really bad for you)… trying trying trying.

I hope to update more, even if it is just one liners.